Ambushes

A little over 10 years ago a friend of mine was killed in an accident.  We were all very shocked and taken aback.  A few months later I was talking with his widow about the grief process and how strange it is and different for everyone.  5 years later another friend lost her husband after a two week illness.  I was talking to the first woman about grief.  She said to tell my friend to expect to be 'ambushed'.  I said, 'what?"  She said, 'blindsided by emotion, its like you've been ambushed - you don't see it coming and aren't expecting it all, but all of a sudden you're in a pile of tears - ambushed".  It made sense.  I hadn't really ever experienced it, but it made sense. 

Since that time I've had several friends lose a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a dear friend - a lot of grief going around.  I try to always caution them about being 'ambushed' and to know that it is ok, it is normal, it is part of the process.  And it can happen ten years after the fact - even if you've remarried or whatever - that love you felt never goes away and you can still be ambushed by simple things.

I've been so busy getting things done and catching up that I really haven't been very emotional about losing my dad.  I think about it a lot but not really on an emotional level.  I think its been my safeguard, my own form of denial or dealing or ???  I was very close to my Dad.  He was my babysitter until I was 5 years old.  He took me everywhere with him when he was the local Nazarene pastor in Yukon.  If he had a meeting, I went.  Then in grade school he and I would 'go get a coke'  (that's what you do in Oklahoma whether its root beer, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, Coke, Orange - you 'go get a coke').  On the way there and/or on the way back after we'd solved all the world's problems, we would do rapid calculation with math facts.  Whatever I was supposed to be learning in school we would do out loud in the car. 

It went something like this: 
"What's 2 + 2?" 
"4."
"take away 3"
"1"
"Add 11"
"12"
"Times 3"
"36"
"Divided by 6"
"6"

and on we'd go until we got to our next stop or tired out, whichever came first.  I learned a lot and could do math very quickly in my head.  I didn't really know he was teaching me.  It was a game and I loved it.

My Dad sold cars for awhile after he pastored while he went to school to complete his Master's Degree in Psychology.  He was good at it.  He earned lots of stuff for selling cars.  Two items he earned were a six foot coffee table and a lamp.  When we moved from Ft. Gibson last month, there were a total of 5 pieces of furniture still in use in our home, three of those went to Mom's apartment.  The coffee table and lamp did not fit.  We decided to sell them in the garage sale.

I talked to several people about that furniture with no emotion at all.  But when the guy paid for them and carried away the table, I discovered the meaning of 'ambushed'.  Flooded with emotion of my dad and the fact that he is not here on earth anymore.  All the memories surrounding that coffee table that for years held the family Bible and served as a place to share coffee and stories; used as a place for the grandkids to color on and lots of other things tied up in a piece of furniture.  Its not the coffee table.  Its not that we sold it.  Its the wonderful feelings that were generated through the years in the home that housed the table, that when we had no money was given as a reward for a job well done.  Now, Dad has an eternal reward for a job well done.

The ambushes will continue.  The grief process will continue.  The hole is there, no one will ever fill it!  But,  by God's grace and design we will move forward through life and complete our tasks here.

So if you've lost someone or know someone who has, beware of 'ambushes'.  Let yourself feel and grieve and remember and be blessed by the fact that the person was a part of your life for however long you had them.  God is still on the throne.  He is still good.  His mercies are new every morning.

Getting Started

I think I'll start a blog - I'm not sure exactly why but I'm doing it.  I've had several people say that I should, again, I'm not exactly sure why.  This will probably be some random thoughts, maybe some 'dad-isms', some things I've learned along the way, some God-sightings, who knows.  I'm just going to start.  Please don't read this for grammar or punctuation or ????  It certainly will not be perfect.  I do a lot of things in writing because I want to - I know its not grammatically correct - I don't care!  If you really struggle with that, you may not want to follow me.  If you're just open to thoughts, ideas, parts of my journey, that just may be similar to yours, then check in from time to time.  I don't even know how often I'll write.  I'm just going to start.

I am just an ordinary person, raised in small town America on Biblical principles by wonderful Christian parents.  God has placed me in a city in the Heartland of the USA.  I'm serving God the best I know how and trusting in His love and mercy to cover a myriad of short comings.  Is it all good - NO! Is it all bad - certainly not!  Can it all be used by God when turned over to Him - absolutely!

I've been on an interesting journey with Christ most of my life. At age 13, I gave my total being to the Lord.  I told Him He could have my past, my present and my future (the "unknown bundle" as it was called back then).  I meant it with all my heart and I still do.  That 'future' part has been the interesting part.  There have been times that I knew He was asking me to do something that was totally out of my comfort zone - or something I really didn't want to do (i.e., give something up).  So I'd discuss it with Him, sometimes even argue the point.  No, I don't hear an audible voice but I know His voice; in my heart; in my head; or sometimes just deep down in the pit of my stomach.  I can't begin to tell you how many times I've told Him in no uncertain terms that He obviously had me confused with someone else and might want to go back to the file cabinet and look again - I don't believe He ever has.  No, He takes me back to when I was 13 at Robber's Cave State Park, out on a rock, all by myself after service that night when I said, "God, You can have it all - my past, my present, my future".  He says, 'did you really mean that?  I can have your future?  Well, this is part of that 'future'!"  End of discussion, because I really did mean, 'all of me, my past, my present, my future'.  We've been working through the past off and on ever since.  We've been unwrapping the future a little at a time.

In the Church of the Nazarene, I believe this would be called 'sanctification' - the moment I gave it all to Him and the process of living that out day by day.  Learning throughout my whole life what being 'christian' or like Christ, really means.

Walk with me as we see where this little blog goes, if you care to do so.  If not, I won't be offended.  I think somehow this really isn't about you or me.  Its about life.