What I've Learned This Year - Grief Stinks!

I was an ICU nurse for 12 years.  I saw death up close and personal on a regular basis.  I've seen more death than I like to think about. I have helped many people say goodbye to their loved ones.  I know the patterns, the norms.  I see the signs.  I've helped family members in every way, every step along the way.   I thought I knew death.  Then one year ago my world changed dramatically with the death of my counselor, my cheerleader, my friend, my role model, my teacher, my father, my dad, my daddy.  I'm blessed to still have my mom fulfilling many of those roles today and for that I am extremely thankful.  I know she won't be here forever, either.  So I look back and think, what I have learned because I didn't know this side of death at all. 

No. 1 - Everyone dies differently.  Some people die alone.  Some surrounded by loved ones.  Some linger. Some go quickly.  Some know it is coming.  Some have no clue that death is anywhere in the neighborhood.  Personally, with my dad, we were blessed that he went very quietly and very quickly but not totally without warning even though he slipped into eternity much quicker than anyone thought he would, even the healthcare professionals.

No. 2 - No matter how much you think you know and how much you think you're prepared, you aren't.  Death catches you off guard.  People don't die when you think they will.  You're mind may be prepared but your heart is never ready.  

No. 3 - the first week is a blur.  Time stands still and at the some moment flies by.  Minutes turn into hours which turn into days.  There is a lot to do after someone dies, even when you think you're prepared, there is still a lot to do!  The first few days you just put one foot in front of the other and do what has to be done that day and try to remember to breathe.

No. 4 - Someone has to take the lead.  No one wants to but someone must.  Hopefully if there are several in your family you find a way to divide the responsibilities but someone has to take the lead and it often is not who you always thought it would be.

No. 5 - Grief is different for everyone.   Every individual.  Every family.  Every single person in the world will grieve in their own way.  There is no text book.  There are no rules.  There are no accurate time tables.  There may be some similarities  There are some things that people can kind of prepare you for but you're never really prepared for how it effects you or those around you.   I didn't really 'feel' until about the third month, I just thought I did! (I hear the 2nd year can be worse in some ways and better in others time will tell for me).

No. 6 -  Grief is intensely personal!  You basically grieve alone.  You will have moments of sharing your grief but no one can grieve for you.  Friends and loved ones can try to comfort and encourage but they cannot grieve for you.  You have to walk the road for yourself.

No. 7 - The 'firsts' are many and varied.  They are hard to prepare for but you really should have a plan of some sort..

No 8 - There are books and people who can assist you along the way.

No. 9 - You must have people who are interceding for you and encouraging you regularly.  It is helpful if they've been down the path but not essential.  There are no words that 'make it all better' but from time to time you need 'words' of love and encouragement, sympathy and a level of understanding.

No. 10 - Once you've lost someone really close to you, you will never look at death and grief the same way.  Going through the process makes you much more empathetic to those around you as they lose friends and loved ones.  

No. 11 - God's grace is sufficient.  Always.  Its ok to cry.  God sees the tears.  He hugs you close and whispers in your ear that He is here and that He loves you and it really is going to be ok.  

No. 12 - It really will be ok - eventually

No 13 - I have no idea when it gets better.  But it has highs and lows throughout the year.  It is better one minute and then hits you like a ton of bricks the next.

No. 14 - The hope of heaven is wonderful!  It makes it all worthwhile.  

No. 15 - Your loved one lives on through you.  They have helped form you, good or bad.  Take the very best of them that you knew and live it fully.  Let them continue to mold you into a better person.  Be better because they walked this earth.  Pass on their legacy, everything good about them, to those you know and love.  I still hear my father's wise counsel.  I've started calling them 'dad-isms'.  

No. 16 - You will sing again.  Let God give you a song in your heart.  Trust Him with your future.  Lean on Him constantly.  Live a life that will be pleasing to Him.  Look for the good in everything and everyone.  Do not let grief defeat you.

No. 17 - You will never fully understand grief.  You will never stop grieving.  That person never ceases to exist.  They really are a part of your very fabric.  Celebrate them.  Find ways to celebrate their life instead of grieving their death.  Some days that is easier than others but it is an essential goal.  

No. 18 - Grief stinks

  

Are you willing to give up your singleness: Calling Us to a Life of Discomfort

Calling Us to a Life of Discomfort

“Are you willing to give up your singleness?”

“What?”

“Are you willing to give up your singleness?”

“Who me?  You've made me quite content in my singleness.  Why would You ask if I’m willing to give up my singleness?  I’m not dating anyone.  I've truly learned to be content where you have me.  Give up my singleness?  Really?  What’s this all about?”

These questions came in January when our pastor was preaching a series on getting out of your comfort zone and being in over your head with Christ.  I work every day over my head and totally dependent upon God. I am way out of my comfort zone – or am I?

I know I’m in over my head.  I know I’m dependent upon God but after 15 years there is a level of comfort in the deep end.  So during the series, at one point I felt like I knew exactly what he was preaching about and living right there.  Then God threw me a curve ball.  “Would you be willing to give up your singleness?”  Wow!  That question scared me to death because I have no idea what it means.  I still don’t know for sure.

I’m content in my singleness.  I know this is a gift.  The Lord has enabled me to not only be content but to be happy in my singleness.  All the time, no!  The majority of time, yes.  I frequently tell people I’m unhappy single less time than most of my married friends are unhappy in their marriages so I think that’s pretty good.  I’ve been single my whole life.  I’m used to it.  It is my comfort zone.  No relationship going on.  Not looking for one.  SO where did this come from – what is God asking? And why?

My answer eventually was ‘of course, I’ll do whatever You want for me.  I want to be in the center of Your will’.  But what does that mean and what does it look like and what are You really asking?

At first I thought ok, there’s a relationship coming.  Am I ready?  What do I want in a relationship?  What is the point in marriage at age 57?  What would I be looking for?  I asked some single adults (over age 50), what would you be looking for in a partner at this stage of the game?  One of the first answers was ‘someone to do ministry with’.  I can go with that.  We are not looking for someone to have a family with at this point – that ship has sailed.  We might be looking for someone to help with grandchildren but I’m not having children at this point in my life.  Not without divine intervention and a miracle like Sarah received and frankly, I’d rather not!  I see why Sarah laughed when she heard the news!  I’d probably cry.

What questions do you need to ask:  Where do you want to be buried?  Who is going to take care of you if anything happens.  If you have children, do your children make decisions or does the new spouse?  If you need long-term care, who decides when and where?  What debt do you bring into the relationship?  What assets do you bring into the relationship?  Do you draw up separate wills?  How do your children feel about it – do you care?  Where do you spend holidays?  If your parents are living, are both parties willing to do what it takes as they get older and need more care?  What are you goals at this point in your life?  These are just a few thoughts that were tossed around.

And then, I took a long look at what I would be giving up or what would change.  I like my freedom.  I’m used to my freedom.  If I want to go out to eat, I go out.  If I stay late at work, no one cares. If I eat early or late or not at all it doesn’t effect anyone else.  When I go to bed or get up or come or go, its all my decision and pretty much mine alone.  If I do the dishes at night or in the morning, no one cares.  If I make my bed or I don’t make my bed – it only effects me.  Being in a relationship would change my world more than I ever thought about.  It’s an interesting proposition. 

When we were young we were so romantic about relationships.   We looked through rose colored glasses.  Nothing mattered except that we were in love; had found the one to grow old with; found the one to have children with and raise a family with; our soul-mate.  Even though I never married, the blinders are off.  We are all human.  We all have faults.  Marriage doesn't mean you’ll have someone to get old with – I have too many friends who've had to put their spouses into Jesus hands for eternity; too many relationships that have ended in divorce; we learned that there are no guarantees in life.  We have also learned, hopefully, that God goes through us with everything that happens.  Do I want to marry someone and grieve like I've seen my friends grieve or have someone grieve for me as they have for their first spouse lost to disease or accident.  Can I make a good choice at this point – I sure don’t want to be lonely in a relationship.

God was asking me, am I willing to put someone else way above my own needs, wants and desires.  My answer was, with His help, yes.

Then the question took on a different aspect.  Was I willing to give up my time; calling my own shots every evening; and doing what I want most of the time.  Now if you know me, you know I’m very involved with various people and things and that there are times that are not my own.  But I had gotten very protective of my evenings that weren't taken by commitments.  I was content with my group of friends that I hang out with on a regular basis.  I was comfortable in social life.  It was working.  Was I willing to commit to some other things that might not be so comfortable?  If that’s what He was asking, yes, I would do it.  So, I started helping on Wednesday night with the college ministry.  I've called some other people from time to time to see if they want to do something on a social level.  I've tried to sing more and watch TV less.  I’m asking God, what do You want me to be involved in; who do You want me to be involved with; How do I reach out to those around in me in a new way?  Was I willing to commit to a Bible Study or fellowship group or ???  I’m not sure what it will really look like in a few months.

I am a giving person on many levels but found myself cubby-holing other things just for me.  God reaches down and says – can I have that?  Can I use that?  What’s in your hand?  Will you step closer to me and to others?  Will you pour yourself into Me and even more so into others as you move into the future? 

Giving up my singleness is definitely out of my comfort zone.  I really don’t like to initiate social activities with individuals.  Entering into a relationship at this point would scare me to death and yet it would be exciting as well.  What can God do through two of us better than He can do it through us as individuals and separately?  There is no relationship at this time.  There may never be and I’m good with that.  But it did make me take a step back and entertain an idea I haven’t entertained in a long time.  

That question has taken all kinds of connotations.  God is asking me to get out of my comfort zone personally and I’m seeking to do that according to His will.  I’m trying to listen. 

If you were to step out of your comfort zone what would that look like?  What is He asking you to do?  He doesn't call you to be comfortable, this is a lie.  He calls you to be dependent upon Him and serve Him in every way with all your heart, mind, soul and strength.  What will that look like in the next few months?  I have no idea!  But I can trust Him. I've trusted Him most of my life.  I don’t plan on changing that now.  Are you comfortable in your discomfort, has it become so familiar that it’s comfortable in its own weird way?  If so, in addition to that level of discomfort, what is God asking you to do?  How is He wanting to shake up your world and use you in new ways?  

Not so good at this afterall!

Ok, so I haven't been very good at this blog stuff afterall.  I love to write or at least I did at one point in my life.  I think about it often but haven't had much follow through.  So tonight, you'll get a couple of posts!  But no promises that it will be more often.  I'm just not sure!

On Tuesday, my dad will have been in heaven for a year.  In some ways, it doesn't seem possible that its been a full year.  In other ways, it feels like he's been gone a very long time.  I quote what I now lovingly call 'dad-isms' frequently.  My dad was a very wise man.  He was quiet, gentle and kind.  When I was younger I used to wish he would just spank me instead of talk to me.  If he would have just hit me then it would be over.  When he would talk to me I would have to think about it for a very long time and then it would come back to me later, too.

When I was in 9th grade I came home in tears.  Hurt and angry.  Someone had criticized my dress and hurt my feelings.  We talked.  He asked me if I liked the person who had said the hurtful things?  Were they my friend?  Did I like how they dress?  Do I think they have good taste?  Does their opinion really matter to me?  Then he told me that no one has the ability to hurt me unless I let them.  Of course, I argued that point with him.  He stated again that no one can hurt me unless I let them.  He told me not to give other people that kind of power over me.  I didn't totally get that at the time and I don't always act on it now but it comes back to me and empowers me to take ownership of my feelings and actions.  He also said that when someone is critical you should think about what was said and who said it: does the statement have merit?  Does the person have my best interest at heart?  Do I value this person's opinion?  If the statement has merit and I can change something, then change it.  If it doesn't have merit, discard it.  Do I care what this person thinks, really care?  If so, can I change the situation, if so, do so, if not then accept that you can't change it and move on.  Is it really a matter of opinion?  Can we agree to have differing opinions.  Be true to myself and God and then move forward but don't allow their opinion to ruin my day.

He also taught me that I don't have the power to change people.  I cannot control others actions, thoughts or feelings any more than they can control mine.  When being blamed for something realize that you really don't have that much power.  When being given credit for something remember that you don't have that much power.  Be thankful you don't have the power to do some things - it could back fire.  God is the only one with the power to change a person.  Don't put yourself under that kind of pressure.  I am responsible to God for my actions and mine alone.  If my actions effect others then I'm responsible to God for that action but they are responsible for their reactions.  Its very freeing when I remember to implement these truths.

He taught me to think!  He taught me to ask questions.  He taught me to trust God.  He taught me to love people, all people.  He taught me that every person has value.  Every person has a soul.  I can hate the person's actions but I cannot hate the person because every person is loved by God and I have to love them as well.  He taught me that life isn't fair but God will always be there.  He taught me that Christianity is not about rules and regulations; it's about a relationship with the most High God through Christ His Son.  He taught me that God sees the heart and we only see the exterior.  He taught me to try to see the interior, the reason behind the action, the hurt behind the anger, the motive behind the motion.  He taught me that God is merciful and that I have to be as well.  

I was indeed blessed with a Godly father.  I didn't deserve it but I got it and I'm so very thankful for this undeserved blessing.  I'm not saying he was perfect, he wasn't.  I'm not saying that life was problem free, it wasn't.  But I'm saying that in his humanity and shortcomings he still taught me that God loves us just as we are, where we are and that He wants the best for us and from us.

His words come back to me often and for that I am thankful.  I'm teaching these concepts to those around me and in that way he lives on in and through us and them.  When I get out of whack and think I can save the world I hear him say 'that is not within your control, sorry, you're just not that powerful'.  I hear him ask 'is it really within your power to do anything about that? if so, do it! If not commit it to God and move on'.

I may write more 'dad-isms in the future, I don't know, but there are many that just help you have perspective!   For tonight, I say, thank You, Lord for a godly father that came from a broken abusive home but through You changed the lineage and taught us that your past does not determine your future.  And thank you, Dad, for being real everyday of your life and living out your walk with the Lord before all of us.