What I've Learned This Year - Grief Stinks!

I was an ICU nurse for 12 years.  I saw death up close and personal on a regular basis.  I've seen more death than I like to think about. I have helped many people say goodbye to their loved ones.  I know the patterns, the norms.  I see the signs.  I've helped family members in every way, every step along the way.   I thought I knew death.  Then one year ago my world changed dramatically with the death of my counselor, my cheerleader, my friend, my role model, my teacher, my father, my dad, my daddy.  I'm blessed to still have my mom fulfilling many of those roles today and for that I am extremely thankful.  I know she won't be here forever, either.  So I look back and think, what I have learned because I didn't know this side of death at all. 

No. 1 - Everyone dies differently.  Some people die alone.  Some surrounded by loved ones.  Some linger. Some go quickly.  Some know it is coming.  Some have no clue that death is anywhere in the neighborhood.  Personally, with my dad, we were blessed that he went very quietly and very quickly but not totally without warning even though he slipped into eternity much quicker than anyone thought he would, even the healthcare professionals.

No. 2 - No matter how much you think you know and how much you think you're prepared, you aren't.  Death catches you off guard.  People don't die when you think they will.  You're mind may be prepared but your heart is never ready.  

No. 3 - the first week is a blur.  Time stands still and at the some moment flies by.  Minutes turn into hours which turn into days.  There is a lot to do after someone dies, even when you think you're prepared, there is still a lot to do!  The first few days you just put one foot in front of the other and do what has to be done that day and try to remember to breathe.

No. 4 - Someone has to take the lead.  No one wants to but someone must.  Hopefully if there are several in your family you find a way to divide the responsibilities but someone has to take the lead and it often is not who you always thought it would be.

No. 5 - Grief is different for everyone.   Every individual.  Every family.  Every single person in the world will grieve in their own way.  There is no text book.  There are no rules.  There are no accurate time tables.  There may be some similarities  There are some things that people can kind of prepare you for but you're never really prepared for how it effects you or those around you.   I didn't really 'feel' until about the third month, I just thought I did! (I hear the 2nd year can be worse in some ways and better in others time will tell for me).

No. 6 -  Grief is intensely personal!  You basically grieve alone.  You will have moments of sharing your grief but no one can grieve for you.  Friends and loved ones can try to comfort and encourage but they cannot grieve for you.  You have to walk the road for yourself.

No. 7 - The 'firsts' are many and varied.  They are hard to prepare for but you really should have a plan of some sort..

No 8 - There are books and people who can assist you along the way.

No. 9 - You must have people who are interceding for you and encouraging you regularly.  It is helpful if they've been down the path but not essential.  There are no words that 'make it all better' but from time to time you need 'words' of love and encouragement, sympathy and a level of understanding.

No. 10 - Once you've lost someone really close to you, you will never look at death and grief the same way.  Going through the process makes you much more empathetic to those around you as they lose friends and loved ones.  

No. 11 - God's grace is sufficient.  Always.  Its ok to cry.  God sees the tears.  He hugs you close and whispers in your ear that He is here and that He loves you and it really is going to be ok.  

No. 12 - It really will be ok - eventually

No 13 - I have no idea when it gets better.  But it has highs and lows throughout the year.  It is better one minute and then hits you like a ton of bricks the next.

No. 14 - The hope of heaven is wonderful!  It makes it all worthwhile.  

No. 15 - Your loved one lives on through you.  They have helped form you, good or bad.  Take the very best of them that you knew and live it fully.  Let them continue to mold you into a better person.  Be better because they walked this earth.  Pass on their legacy, everything good about them, to those you know and love.  I still hear my father's wise counsel.  I've started calling them 'dad-isms'.  

No. 16 - You will sing again.  Let God give you a song in your heart.  Trust Him with your future.  Lean on Him constantly.  Live a life that will be pleasing to Him.  Look for the good in everything and everyone.  Do not let grief defeat you.

No. 17 - You will never fully understand grief.  You will never stop grieving.  That person never ceases to exist.  They really are a part of your very fabric.  Celebrate them.  Find ways to celebrate their life instead of grieving their death.  Some days that is easier than others but it is an essential goal.  

No. 18 - Grief stinks